My Childhood (Was not as interesting as Ruby's)

Ruby has written about her childhood. I thought it was high time I spun a few yarns about mine. Recently I turned 22, and recently I also decided it's so much more awesome being a kid. Here are my reasons why:

Oregon Trail and Other Silly Games:

Effing awesome game. If you're pissed at your family, name all the characters after them, feed them meager rations and watch them get cholera.

I thought this guy kinda looked like a pedophile.

Who stops hunting when there's a massive fuck-off bison.
Bison = more bang for your buck.
Rabbits = little shits.

NEVER 'caulk the wagon and float it'. 

I also wasted countless hours playing Holiday Lemmings and Load Runner. Both highly sadistic games I feel.

Tree Huts and Forts: 


When you're bored and it's raining, build a fort. When you're bored and it's not raining, play in the tree hut. I still really like tree huts, and when I'm a multi-millionaire I will have an sweet as tree hut or five that I will rent out to like minded people.

When it's so nice outside, and my comrades think to themselves:
 'I wish I were a squirrel',  I can offer them a place in my awesome
tree hut and they will be a step closer to that dream. 

Achieving Sweet Fuck All:

This is what progress for progress sake looks like:

Me being awesome. Age: 2-ish (maybe?)
Not much has changed.

Lego:

Lego, like vikings, is one of the awesome things that comes from Scandinavia.

Hey! It's an impossible staircase. How impossible!

Here is a Nazi death camp. Ironic, or humbling?

I have the imagination of an earthworm (see 'Art'). So whenever I played with lego I would just play by the rules and follow the instructions. I loved the pirate stuff. You get all the sweet shet about pirates (weapons, flags, monkeys, parrots, missing limbs, and sharks) without the bad bits (scurvy, alcoholism, and unattractive wenches). I always wanted the badass pirate ship, but Mother and Father never delivered. 

The toy I always wanted but never got.
My birthday is on May the 23rd.

Not getting the pirate ship has been one of the major problems I have had to deal with in my life.

Art

One of the best things about being a little person was the consistent encouragement to play with crayons, paint, Oobleck etc. Most kids create with reckless abandon. I struggled to paint the most basic of pictures.

I would stand for 20 minutes watching other kids paint houses and people and cats. I would paint lines of dots. 

Drawing by me - Circa 1993. 

Drawing by more normal child - Circa 1993

Jayde Fleet: Hopefully I have forced you to read this. Please psycho-analyse me. 

The Crayon Incident

This one time when I was three, I had an accident with a crayon. Because I didn't draw with crayons like other children, I decided to stick it up my nose instead. It was wedged so far up there that no one could see it. I few weeks later my parents noticed a rank smell which seemed to follow me everywhere. The crayon was rotting and that was the only reason they realised it was there, and it was subsequently removed. I also used to fall asleep on the toilet. Many times. I was a smart child. 

That is all. 

Much love

Liz Triceratops