Recently I was caught in an awkward situation. A friend of mine thought that Indiana Jones could beat Batman in a fight.
Let me bring a few relevant points to the table:
- Batman is angry and he wants revenge. In his fight for justice, he is essentially a man who you do not want to fuck with.
- Batman wears black and it's shiny too. This makes him go faster. FACT.
- Batman has a utility belt. It has utils on it which he utilises.
- Batman has a plethora of experiences to draw on, featuring some decent bad guys, such as Two-Face, The Joker, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Cat Woman, and The Scarecrow.
- Batman doesn't sleep, he watches.
- Robin can be called upon if the situation requires. They can either tag-team or double-team.
- Batman undertakes high-intensity physical and intellectual training; not to mention the fact that he is possibly the 'most dangerous man on earth'.
- He is a BABE.
Let's not forget, Indiana Jones has a few things going for him, including a sweet hat and leather jacket. He also has a sense of humor (I like a guy that can make me laugh), deep wisdom and knowledge of ancient civilisations and languages. In contrast, Batman is dark and overly mysterious.
STOP - HAMMERTIME
What is this? The effing Bachelor?
To be honest, I just think Indiana Jones is too much of a pussy. I mean, look at his soft complexion and kind eyes.
Indiana Jones may have a gun, but Batman had dodged bullets on more occasions than you can shake a stick at.
Scholars have analyzed Indiana Jones and have come to the conclusion that he is a 'hardboiled detective' and an 'American patriot'. Fuck America. Fuck egg analogies (BTW who even likes hardboiled?) I want someone who gets shit done. Also, it's common knowledge that if you wear khaki, you are a tool.
It's obvious who would win in a fight. At the end of the day, comparing Batman to Indiana Jones is (unlike comparing apples to oranges), but like comparing milk to the fourth dimension.
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| This, unfortunately, is not my mate, but the level of awkwardness is on-par. |
Let me bring a few relevant points to the table:
- Batman is angry and he wants revenge. In his fight for justice, he is essentially a man who you do not want to fuck with.
- Batman wears black and it's shiny too. This makes him go faster. FACT.
- Batman has a utility belt. It has utils on it which he utilises.
- Batman has a plethora of experiences to draw on, featuring some decent bad guys, such as Two-Face, The Joker, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Cat Woman, and The Scarecrow.
- Batman doesn't sleep, he watches.
- Robin can be called upon if the situation requires. They can either tag-team or double-team.
- Batman undertakes high-intensity physical and intellectual training; not to mention the fact that he is possibly the 'most dangerous man on earth'.
- He is a BABE.
 |
| This is the kind of intellectual training that the super heroes of the world require. |
Let's not forget, Indiana Jones has a few things going for him, including a sweet hat and leather jacket. He also has a sense of humor (I like a guy that can make me laugh), deep wisdom and knowledge of ancient civilisations and languages. In contrast, Batman is dark and overly mysterious.
STOP - HAMMERTIME
To be honest, I just think Indiana Jones is too much of a pussy. I mean, look at his soft complexion and kind eyes.
Indiana Jones may have a gun, but Batman had dodged bullets on more occasions than you can shake a stick at.
 |
| This elderly gentleman was spotted shaking his stick at Batman, who was busy dodging numerous bullets. |
Scholars have analyzed Indiana Jones and have come to the conclusion that he is a 'hardboiled detective' and an 'American patriot'. Fuck America. Fuck egg analogies (BTW who even likes hardboiled?) I want someone who gets shit done. Also, it's common knowledge that if you wear khaki, you are a tool.
It's obvious who would win in a fight. At the end of the day, comparing Batman to Indiana Jones is (unlike comparing apples to oranges), but like comparing milk to the fourth dimension.
THE END
With love,
Liz
My swift and deadly retaliation: http://wp.me/p1vtcI-k
ReplyDeleteNot going to lie Liz, Chris has an irrefutably awesome argument there. Except for one thing; I believe that being a gay porn star would give ANY superhero the advantage.
ReplyDelete(1) gay porn stars have abs. The extra torso control offered by superior mid-section stability more than makes up for batman's inability to move his head more than seven degrees on the vertical axis, thus allowing him to stop bullwhip attack dead in its pre-industrial revolution tracks.
(2) gay porn stars have stamina. None of this lying about starfishing shit that goes on in hetero or lesbionic porn; gay men are all about the sweat. This also means that, even devested of his armour (but not his amorousness), batman is able to keep up the good fight naked for considerably longer than heterosexual foe spindly-ana jones.
(3) gay porn stars may possibly have stds. Though this is possibly (probably) homophobic and totally 90s. BUT Indiana Jones is a bit of an old school character; possibly his own extreme homophobia, caused by too much time in the past/southland would invest him with this belief and stop him engaging in "hand-to-hand" combat with the batman.
(4) whips are pretty damn homo. Most probably this is an indication that ol' indy is secretly in love with tall, sexy, lithe, batman and will fall to his knees upon encounter.
incidentally "batty boy" is an old school word for a gay man. Who'd a knew.
In conclusion; Batman's status as sexy-bomb gay idol cannot not defeat smelly country-boy indy hands down. His homosexual tendencies, ill-thought out attire and deeply misplaced head-gear choices stand no chance against the svelte, chic, demonstrably superior crime-fighting abilities of batman.
And really, Indiana Jones is a bit of a crime. A fashion crime. Batman can't NOT win.
Ruby Subtlety.