This is where I talk about myself

If this blog were a competition between Ruby and I, Ruby would win. I am lazy as. Lazy as what? Lazy as a sleepy hippo. You would think that hippos are quite lazy even if they aren't sleepy. Not true. A hippo can fuck shit up. They're pretty much the most dangerous animal in Africa.

If I were a gamekeeper, I would also be fleeing. 

I guess that hippos are only lazy when they are sleeping. But everything is lazy when it is sleeping. So I should just say 'As lazy as any thing that is sleeping'. Anyway... consistently, Ruby has been waiting for me to post. This time I thought I had better beat her to it.

A friend of mine called Meg taught me that everyone has three talents. "This can't be right" I retorted, with a commanding tone. She loves it when I get all argue-y.

Then I thought about it. I am average to good at some things. Like economics. And dinosaurs. And lighting fires. And baking.

I am average to bad at some things. Like talking on the phone. And playing Risk. Coz I hate losing, I avoid playing Risk at all costs. It ruins friendships. You make an alliance, and then someone screws you over and attacks Kamchatka, and it's like 'why do you even want Kamchatka anyway?' But thank you, Risk, for teaching me that there is a place called Kamchatka.

I am quite simply, appalling, at other things. Like drawing. I could draw better when I was 4. And I can't set up a tent to save myself, so I guess I would get eaten by a hippo in Africa for sure. Unless I lit a mean-as fire and burned the fucker. Yea. Or baked him (it's a male hippo, I just know it) a treat. Using the mean-as fire.

And then I realized that there are 3 things that I am ridiculously awesome at.

1. Sleeping on my face.

2. Holding my breath.

3. Cutting my food with my fork.

Re: Sleeping on my face. For the last 5 years at least, I have been sleeping on my face. People tell me I look like I am dead. I just kind of lie on my tummy with my legs splayed out and my forehead resting under my arm and my face IN my pillow. Why am I alive?

Re: Holding my breath. This could be a direct result of numero uno. I can seriously hold my breath for a fucking long time. Through the Lyttelton Tunnel (1945m). Over the Rakaia Bridge (no idea how long that guy is). This one time, I held my breath under water for 2 minutes and 56 seconds! Sometimes when I'm in my finance lectures and I'm bored as hell I hold my breath for a minute, then I rest for another, then I hold for another minute...so on and so on...and then class is over, and I may or may not have improved one of my talents!

Re: Cutting my food with my fork. I think this stems from a general retardation of myself. I have no fork-mouth co-ordination on my left side. The contents of my fork will fall to my plate or I will stab my cheek. Then it's all over. With the realisation of this, I thought it was time to cut my losses. I ditched the knife, and proceeded to eat one-handed. I can now cut anything with a fork. Seriously. Try me.

BUT WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??? WHY AM I YELLING AT YOU???

Some good has to come out of this. What is the point in having these three amazing talents, just to have them go to waste?

The only thing I can come up with is that if the world suddenly ran outa oxygen, and we could only eat with forks and we didn't even have teeth, it would be survival of the fittest and I would WIN.
That is all.

Here is a triceratops and I want to be that child.

I love you all

From Liz