Perhaps it is because I am PMSing (fuck off don’t look at me), or perhaps because I have the most ridiculous crush on a skinny, bouncy, yet resolutely uninterested barista, but I have been thinking rather a lot today about one thing that concerns us all in life, and that is, “the game”.
Now, for those of you who have been living under damp rocks for the last decade or so of popular culture (and I’d just like to add that I completely understand the feeling; I once was abandoned at a retirement village in Mosgiel for an hour), “the game” is what ensues as soon as you decide you’d quite like to have sex with someone.
Now, don’t go jumping to conclusions! This sex could be as part of an incipient relationship, out of curiosity, because you are bored, whatever. (So long as whatever means consensual! Rape is not a joke! At least, not a very good one. More a groan then a laugh, and most probably with negative consequences far outstripping any intrinsic humorous value.) Basically; sex. Got it.
STEP ONE: The first thing that happens is that you spot a person. Being quite gay, mine will be a sexy lady. Alright. Eye contact ensues. Once you have ascertained that the person of interest is aware of your existence, start some sort of fascinating conversation (fascinating = potentially subjective).
TABLE ONE: Topics to avoid:
- Socialism
- Cats
- Sperm (and reproduction in general. Unless you are old. In which case it is probably ok)
- How good you are at things. Although this can be acceptably emphasised in subtle ways.
- Curious personal physical and/or mental medical issues. Keep an element of surprise.
- How, like, totally straight you are! The erroneousness of this statement will become quickly apparent.
STEP TWO: Now is the part where the game gets sneaky. Entrance your target with your wit and charm, leave them wanting more (or just sleep with them. But I would never do that), and then... ignore them. For a considerable period. After you feel enough time has elapsed that they know you are incredibly busy and important and probably sleeping with much hotter people than them, deign to meet up. Repeat step one.
(A flowchart seemed unnecessary in this instance. But shall perhaps be forthcoming, depending on hormones)
All I have to say is WHY! It could be so much easier if we could just read people’s minds!
Gah!
I do realise that multiple billions of dollars-worth of appalling movies, truly terrible books, and other various pieces of consumer shit of the “perhaps she just isn’t that into you?” flavour transfer hands per annum (the premise being, of course, that the “you” is the response variable in the equation (and therefore open to alteration in favour of a preferable outcome)), but we could all save ourselves 18 Jodi Picoults, 112 Vince Vaugns (spelled wrong? Don’t care), and 17,567 failed alcoholic home and away stars if we all. Just. Didn’t.
TABLE TWO: Sample conversations representing truly honest exchange of views re: having sex with each other.
- "I would love to take your clothes off!"
- "It’s mutual."
- “I’m incredibly attracted to you. However, because of the paradigm in which I have been raised I would prefer to spend several hours exchanging data before putting my hand down your pants.”
- “That is a more than acceptable proposal.”
- “Now that I have bought you a drink, would you like to have sex with me?”
- “No; your elevated loft bed reminds me of the time I was ten and jumped out of a bunk and broke my arm in four places, resulting in extreme social awkwardness in the coming school year and a rather non-aesthetically-pleasing scar.”
The world would be a less stressful place.
Ruby.
*Dedicated to cafe girl. You are cute.
Now, for those of you who have been living under damp rocks for the last decade or so of popular culture (and I’d just like to add that I completely understand the feeling; I once was abandoned at a retirement village in Mosgiel for an hour), “the game” is what ensues as soon as you decide you’d quite like to have sex with someone.
Now, don’t go jumping to conclusions! This sex could be as part of an incipient relationship, out of curiosity, because you are bored, whatever. (So long as whatever means consensual! Rape is not a joke! At least, not a very good one. More a groan then a laugh, and most probably with negative consequences far outstripping any intrinsic humorous value.) Basically; sex. Got it.
STEP ONE: The first thing that happens is that you spot a person. Being quite gay, mine will be a sexy lady. Alright. Eye contact ensues. Once you have ascertained that the person of interest is aware of your existence, start some sort of fascinating conversation (fascinating = potentially subjective).
TABLE ONE: Topics to avoid:
- Socialism
- Cats
- Sperm (and reproduction in general. Unless you are old. In which case it is probably ok)
- How good you are at things. Although this can be acceptably emphasised in subtle ways.
- Curious personal physical and/or mental medical issues. Keep an element of surprise.
- How, like, totally straight you are! The erroneousness of this statement will become quickly apparent.
STEP TWO: Now is the part where the game gets sneaky. Entrance your target with your wit and charm, leave them wanting more (or just sleep with them. But I would never do that), and then... ignore them. For a considerable period. After you feel enough time has elapsed that they know you are incredibly busy and important and probably sleeping with much hotter people than them, deign to meet up. Repeat step one.
(A flowchart seemed unnecessary in this instance. But shall perhaps be forthcoming, depending on hormones)
All I have to say is WHY! It could be so much easier if we could just read people’s minds!
Gah!
I do realise that multiple billions of dollars-worth of appalling movies, truly terrible books, and other various pieces of consumer shit of the “perhaps she just isn’t that into you?” flavour transfer hands per annum (the premise being, of course, that the “you” is the response variable in the equation (and therefore open to alteration in favour of a preferable outcome)), but we could all save ourselves 18 Jodi Picoults, 112 Vince Vaugns (spelled wrong? Don’t care), and 17,567 failed alcoholic home and away stars if we all. Just. Didn’t.
TABLE TWO: Sample conversations representing truly honest exchange of views re: having sex with each other.
- "I would love to take your clothes off!"
- "It’s mutual."
- “I’m incredibly attracted to you. However, because of the paradigm in which I have been raised I would prefer to spend several hours exchanging data before putting my hand down your pants.”
- “That is a more than acceptable proposal.”
- “Now that I have bought you a drink, would you like to have sex with me?”
- “No; your elevated loft bed reminds me of the time I was ten and jumped out of a bunk and broke my arm in four places, resulting in extreme social awkwardness in the coming school year and a rather non-aesthetically-pleasing scar.”
The world would be a less stressful place.
Ruby.
*Dedicated to cafe girl. You are cute.
Dear Ruby
ReplyDeleteI like your post.
From Liz
P.S. I also believe that you can talk about things that you ROCK at. I like to think I have three talents, but it's really hard for me to bring them up in conversation because they are so obscure. I might write about them in my next post. Would that be humbling or ironic?
Humbling for me. Ironic for you. Overall win. Kinda like the Millennium Falcon.
ReplyDeleteDo you remember that song "Y2K 2000"?